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Simply Relational - Part 1
There is intentional irony in the title of this article. Relationship "stuff" is simple in print, but it's wildly difficult to practice. And when you attempt to be consistent in your pursuit of great relationships, few, if any of us nail it all the time.
Let's start with some sage wisdom from others. "Treat people as though they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of being." (Goethe) "The most useful person in the world today is the man or woman who knows how to get along with other people. Human relations is the most important science in living." (Stanley C. Allyn) "Do you realize that one in every four Americans is unbalanced? Think of your three closest friends. If they seem okay, then you're the one!" (Ann Landers) If those don't work for you, try this. "You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." (Al Capone)
Mr. Capone may not be the most reliable source of practical relationship wisdom, so let me offer you of one of the best. Dale Carnegie (1888-1955) wrote the book titled How to Win Friends and Influence People. He wrote it in 1936. There is truly nothing new under the sun. In my opinion, it's a classic. So simple, and yet few practice all that he writes about. Carnegie says things as simple as know people's names, smile, encourage others, put others first, don't criticize, admit when you are wrong, praise often, say I'm sorry, and on the list goes. If I could add "share your graham crackers" that's the stuff I taught my kids. It's crazy simple.
So why then is it so difficult for adults to practice this stuff consistently? Bottom line. We're human, check out Genesis 3. We are part of a fallen and sinful world. James 4:1-2 says: "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it." As leaders we must intentionally practice behaving in a way that is better than our sin-bent hardwiring. The good news is that II Corinthians 5:17 tells us we are a new creation. We are capable, with the help of the Holy Spirit, of living in a better way!
In keeping with the idea of "simple", I'm offering a few questions in this two part series. In this article, I'm addressing negative things to refrain from, and in the next article, positive things to live by. There is so much to choose from, but here are my three top choices for you to avoid. Make sure they are simply not part of your relational life!
• Are you demanding by nature?
Most leaders are type A, driven, and "push" people, at least to some degree. Pushing people is much different than being a pushy person. A "push" can feel like a loving nudge in the right direction or like someone just shoved you over a cliff. A better word than pushing is leading. The picture of a leader is one who is out front inviting others to come forward. The picture of pushing is more of someone behind you making you go where you don't want to go. The truth is, leaders do both. And whether or not the outcome is favorable is based largely upon if you are demanding by nature or by function.
A leader who is demanding by nature is never satisfied and often makes demands to satisfy his or her personal agenda. This can stem from not knowing what you want (where you are going) or personal insecurities and needs. A leader who is demanding by function (responsibility) does so for the good of the people and the organization. No one likes to follow someone who is demanding by nature. More bricks less straw! This person is at best a bully, and at worst, a tyrant. Everyone will follow a leader who is tough but cares. (Demanding by function.) The greatest coaches, teachers and leaders all have high standards and refuse to lower them. The leader who is demanding by nature will eventually forfeit leadership.
• Do you have a need to control?
Let me slice this one thin. Leaders must control. Its part of everything from the wise usage of money to keeping the people aligned with the central purpose of the organization. This is significantly different than being a controlling leader. The controlling leader needs to control as a way to make up for fears, insecurities, and inabilities. The controlling leader operates out of a scarcity rather than abundance mindset. The controlling leader refuses to empower and let go. A leader who takes control does so owning responsibility for the betterment of the organization. This leader makes tough decisions about finances, staffing and direction to keep the organization alive and healthy. When no one takes control, we say the organization is out of control. That's not good!
Can you think of someone who, on a laid-back Saturday night playing games, just has to win? No matter what the cost! From powering up and getting loud to quoting the rules, this person must control the game! No fun huh?! Now think of a Saturday game night where someone took control to see that people were invited, food was there hot and on time, an appropriate game was selected, and even tended to the right chemistry in the room. Big difference! That's how people experience the difference between someone who takes control and someone who is controlling.
• Do you possess a critical spirit?
By a critical spirit I'm referring to something much deeper than someone in a brief bad mood or behaving a little crabby one morning. While a good leader seldom acts like this, those two benign examples are part of being human. When someone has a critical spirit it's something that comes from deep within them. It's a sort of relational default system that first finds the flaws and worst in people before, or instead of, seeing the best. Let me be blunt, if you are like this, people are naturally repelled from you. You may have a title or position that forces them to engage you but they don't like it. You may be smart and good at what you do but they still don't want to be around you. Critical people are usually picky and negative. Though they are often very bright, that intelligence can get the best of them. They can't help but to point out the flaws. A critical leader could redeem things a little by providing good solutions. But even that doesn't last over the long haul. People just don't want to be around some one with a critical spirit.
Demanding and controlling people usually know they are demanding and controlling, but critical people often don't realize they are critical. This is a huge blind spot. In fact, when confronted, it's possible they will find fault (defend themselves) and point out the flaw in your thinking! This makes being critical one of the worst relational flaws anyone, especially leaders, can have. Breaking free can be difficult but it's doable. It requires that you see life differently. It requires that you gain a different perspective. Look for potential over problems, express gratitude not complaints and assume the best in people. If you are not sure where you stand, ask a trusted friend who is smart and a strong leader. Ask them to be honest and to help you get freed up from being critical. A critical spirit is truly one of the greatest limitations to leadership that anyone can experience.
I pray these thoughts are helpful and encouraging both to you and those you lead. Part two will jump to the positive side of the simply relational idea. Stay tuned!
To check out Part 2 of this article, click here.
"This article is used by permission from Dr. Dan Reiland's free twice a month e-newsletter 'The Pastor's Coach' available at www.INJOY.com."
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